Left Lateral Port-Side Smidgen Winkler??

(Grade 21, Statham's Quarry, Perth, Western Australia)

This must be the most ridiculous name ever conceived for a climb... but in our pursuit of excellence and Yosemite glory, of course we had to give it a go!

For a bit of background, this is a quote from a popular mini-guide describing the 'Smidgen Winkler':

Left Lateral Port-Side Smidgen Winkler 15m 21

"Climb past bolts to thin flake crack. Follow the bolted line to the loweroff. No trad gear required. The start can be frustrating. Try starting well R of the bolt and then traversing back left fairly soon."

The start can be frustrating!... That is possibly the understatement of the millenium!! The first move of this climb is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and makes for a very difficult 'on-sight'* for a grade 21!!

*Climbing noobs, see below for definitions

Just take a look at us trying to get off the ground...

To be fair, even though Remi was the 'star failure' of this short feature, it was only because he was unfortunate enough to be caught on camera for most of his attempts. In reality, every single one of us spent at least 10 minutes working out how to make that first leap of faith!

In fact, we're really interested if there is anybody out there who has on-sighted this climb? If you have, please let us know so we can worship you in all your 'Smidgen Winkling' hardcoreness!

For those wondering, "Who is Steve?"... he's a 'Yosemite Assault Team' hopeful trying to organise the other parts of his life so that he can join the crusade. If he manages to pull it off, his bio will be coming up in a future post!!

But back to the climb now... obviously no on-sights for us, but I'm glad to report that all who failed managed to get the 'tick' before the day was out, so there were happy endings all around! (in a non-sexual way)

In case there is anybody out there looking for beta so they can go 'Smidgen Winkling' themselves, below is some 'GoPro headcam' footage from bottom to top. It still isn't perfect, but it's heaps better than the footage on 'Chain Reaction'... at least this time you can see quickdraws and bolt plates being put on, as well as clipping... not just flailing arms and 'exorcist-speed' head turns. The video does make me seem a tad schitzophrenic though, as the microphone only picked up my voice and not who I'm conversing with, so the whole time it looks and sounds as if I'm talking to myself... but I swear there were other people around?!?!... or maybe it was those voices in my head again... hmmm.

Please be advised, if you are under 18, the following video does contain harsh language... no really nasty words like 'mother-@#!$er' or 'cheese-d!@k', but not good for young minds to hear nonetheless.

We are looking at different methods of mounting the camera so we can get a 'God View' of the climbers as they do their funky moves on the vertical... hopefully we'll have a working prototype soon for your viewing pleasure!!

And finally, the 'thank-you's' to the emailers and commenters from previous posts:

Tom: Thanks for bringing the 'homo-erotica' back into climbing... although Scotty's hairy arms would keep one very warm at night when sleeping on a cold, rocky ledge! There will be a gear expose a bit closer to the 'Assault Day'!

Logan: Remi, Brian and Scotty have actually written my bio!! I haven't opened the document yet, but when I gather up enough courage, I'll post it up... hahaha

Kelly: We're always thinking up new, innovative ways to keep the pics and videos exciting. We've got some good ideas that aren't too far from being unleashed, so keep your eyes peeled!!

Scotty: He lives!!! Not long mate till we're hitting those ultra polished, non protectable, granite cracks!!

And that just about wraps it up for now... keep reading for more semi-exciting adventures before we leave in September...

*Definitions for the climbing noobs, YAY!!!:

(taken straight from Wikipedia, my best source for half-truths and quasi-facts... therefore, most of this blog... hahaha)

• Onsite (climbing): A clean ascent, with no prior practice or beta (ok, ok, more definitions coming up) 
• Beta: Advice on how to successfully complete (or protect) a particular climbing route, boulder problem, or crux sequence. Some climbers believe that beta 'taints' an ascent (still confused... Read on) 
• Bouldering: The practice of climbing on large boulders (DUH!). Typically close to the ground, so protection takes the form of crash pads and spotting instead of belay ropes. 
• Crux: The most difficult portion of a climb

Our Funky New Toy!!

This next post was supposed to be my biography, but compared to the other characters... Scotty the S.N.A.C., Brian a.k.a. Captain Furious and Remi the Relentless, I'm probably the most 'ordinary' of the team, and writing about 'ordinary' is pretty slow going!

So in the meantime, just a quick update on what we've been doing.

Even though this blog makes us out to be total plonkers, the team is actually training quite hard and all of us are 'not bad' climbers at the least. Apart from the 'Epic Aid Adventure', we have been heading out regularly to the crags around Perth and Margaret River.

There was a bit of excitement in the quarry last night, as training took on a whole new perspective due to our new WizzBang headcam!

With boyish vigour that could only be rivalled by an Apple 'fanboy' on release day of the latest Iphone, we gave the headcam a test run on 'Chain Reaction', graded (a very soft) 23 at Statham's Quarry. I must thank Phil for the use of this fantastic device. I feel I'm one step closer now to becoming Bear Grylls, except I don't torture little animals (and my camera crew don't help me when I'm in trouble!!). I won't mention Phil's last name on the blog as he may still be wanted for questioning  by authorities in country Victoria over something called the 'Urban Assault Vehicle'...

Anyway, I've linked some raw footage of climbing 'Chain Reaction' with the headcam. I didn't have time to edit it and make it look all 'Hollywood', but the way it is, I think it gives you a 'First Person Shooter' feel for what it's like to climb, (without the 5.1 DOLBY sound)... the whole audio is pretty muffled because the camera is in a protective case, I'll see what I can do about this in future takes. The video runs for about 5 minutes and it is pretty rough, so if you suffer from motion sickness, maybe you should have a bucket nearby... keyboards and 'throw up' don't go very well together.

Next time I'll try not to move my head so much and angle the camera down a little more so you can get an appreciation of vertical height... and maybe I'll dub in some cool techno beats!! Yeah Yeah!!

Until then people, keep the fun times happening!!

Remi Vignals

Anytime Baby!!

Remi is our 'Soul Climber'... For Remi, climbing is a spiritual experience, not just a sport. He commits exactly 98.6%* of his life to climbing. Everything else makes up the remaining 1.4%. (Sorry Delphine, that also includes you... only joking!!!... I bet that's the last time I get invited over for dinner!)

* This figure has been proven through sound mathematical analysis. The same analysis that American Banks used to stamp AAA ratings on their 'Sub-Prime' Securities.

Remi at last year's birthday party... the velvet suit just oozes style and the bear rug thrown over his chest reflects Remi's one-ness with things of nature!... and yeah, he looks young for his age.

Remi... he grew up fast, but is still interested in 'Toy Shopping', Grade 26 at Bob's Hollow

So what makes Remi our 'Soul Climber' and how spiritual is he about rocks and climbing?

Well, let's put it this way. Remi is so spiritual that he buys quickdraws called 'Phantoms', and carabiners called 'Spirits'.

He is so spiritual that he attends Christian Rock Festivals because they have the word 'Rock' in them.

He is so spiritual that he hates Bruce Willis for blowing up that giant space rock in the movie Armageddon... (Remi also cried at this point... and then for the next few weeks camped out the front of the local cinema where the movie was showing and held up a large sign that read 'Blasphemy!!')

For the non-climber readers, a couple of definitions:

1. A 'quickdraw' is a piece of climbing equipment consisting of two non-locking carabiners, attached by a nylon or 'spectra' sling. Remi prefers 'spectra' because it sounds more ethereal. 

1. Bruce Willis is an American actor, known for making enemies with European terrorists and large asteroids.

A typical looking quickdraw

Bruce Willis: Enemy to most bad people, including celestial bodies and 'Gimps'

In living with the wholesome ideals of a 'Soul Climber' and embodying the unyielding ethos of the spiritual warrior (try saying that after a few beers), whether it be daytime, nighttime, freezing cold, scorching hot, foggy, misty, snowing, pissing or pooing down, indoors or outdoors... REMI WILL CLIMB!

The following pics lay truth to this:

Even after the sun goes down and there's no light whatsoever... Remi Will Climb!

Even when the Rock Gods have decided to take a giant piss on him... Remi Will Climb!

Even when he has to push the rocks apart with his bare hands... Remi Will Climb!

Even when he has to eat from a straw and has a colostomy bag attached to his ass... Remi Will Climb!

Even when there is nobody else left on the cliff and the Universe is screaming 'Get the F%$# out of here!!!' by crashing waves 20 metres up the wall to tickle the soles of his little climbing shoes... Remi Will Climb!

Even when all the colour has left the photo... Remi Will Climb!

Even when Brian is dressed up like a pirate and passed out on somebody's floor... Remi Will Climb!

So why does Remi have this inherent and almost supernatural 'wanting' to climb?

Maybe it's the many hours Remi spends praying to the almighty 'Rock God' for another glorious day of climbing?

Maybe he sees dead people?

Who knows?!?!... But whatever Remi's motivations are and wherever his faith comes from, nothing seems to separate him from his calling. Even after two serious operations in 2010 and with his left arm barely able to lift a spoon to his mouth, when asked if he wanted to come to Yosemite, Remi's response was 'Anytime Baby!' 

Another example of this unwavering conviction to climb include immediately after our 'Epic Aid Adventure' at West Cape Howe in February 2011. When the rest of us were ready to retire and be content with climbing nothing harder than playground equipment for the remainder of our lives, Remi asked when we were planning to do it again!

We haven't been back yet!!

Well, that's all I can give you to provide a small insight into the team's 'Soul Climber'. I guess all that's left is to cap off Remi's greatest achievements to date:

1. Owning a 4WD that has more creature comforts than most people's homes! (including a fridge) So you know who to bum a ride with on your next weekend outing!
2. Being third climber on the 'Epic Aid Adventure'... all I remember is while cold and perched 50 metres above the ground, in possibly the most uncomfortable hanging belay known to humankind, I looked down 15 metres to see Remi lying on a nice big ledge all rugged up eating his lunch... 45 minutes later, with my legs going numb and ass feeling like it had been fed through a meat grinder, I looked down again and Remi was having a nap... I guess the Universe was taking care of him that day!

Finally, to finish off, I forgot to add this in the last post.

If you're interested in following Brian's climbing escapades, just want to stalk him or tell him to take a chill pill for being so angry, his blog is at: http://cliffhangerb.wordpress.com/.

Now the thank you's!!!

Thank you to all the readers so far... we've had 400 hits to date, with people logging in all the way from places such as Slovenia and Brazil... I don't think I even know anybody from Slovenia, but there's been 5 hits from there, so good stuff and hope you keep reading, whoever you are!

Also thanks to the commenters:

Scotty: Good to see you're still kicking it hard over there. Watch out for Carnies! They start coming out at this time of the year!!
Kelly: You wait till you meet Brian... you'd better have body armour on... he's still angry!! hahaha
Kristi: Ever faithful supporter... we've organised to have a headcam with us for the trip. Should make interesting video, especially when doing those pendulums!!! Keep on Bret. There's still time!
Brian: I'm so glad I haven't had my door kicked in yet!! Thanks for the beta on the weekend at Willy's. Was good getting back on the trad lead... I've missed it!

Until next time... keep it real everybody!!!!

Brian 'Fury' Tan

Brian is the Captain of the team... the 'Captain Furious' that is!!!

Look at the Captain in action:

Brian furiously walking up a boulder problem in Hueco, Texas

Brian furiously making his way up 'Sweet Pea', Grade 27 at Mountain Quarry

As his names suggest, everything about Brian is angry... He eats angry, walks angry, climbs angry, sleeps angry, he even plays 'Angry Birds'!
 

Brian is the type of guy that you never look directly in the eyes... the type of guy that when in an argument, you just hold up your hands and say 'No Mess'... the type of guy that makes Rambo run in the opposite direction like Chicken Little!

Some say Brian became so furious because he was born from an egg shaped rock that was ejected from a volcano.... (you'd be pretty pissed too if you were born in such a way!)

 

Some say Brian inherited his fury by being a direct descendent of the late Genghis Tan...

Some say Brian was infuriated after years spent learning his art from Jacky Tan...

Whatever the truth may be, all who have come across Brian (and lived) know that he is one raging climber. When Brian climbs, he doesn't climb the rock, the rock cowers under his fingers...

Here is some of Brian's handiwork when he was not in a good mood...

One day Brian's bikes were giving him trouble... this was the result.

Yeah, that's right Mr. Pointy Pointy Plant, be all smug with your sharp thorns... what you don't realise is that once Brian turns around, you're CACTUS!

Brian, showing Scotty how to harness the 'Fury'... The two guys in front were never seen or heard from again!

"Take some sneaky photo of me, huh? I'm not warming up my knuckles for no reason"... (This photo was retrieved from a camera found somewhere in the Pinjarra region. The owner was found in the next town with a size 9 shoe imprint on his ass)

These guys pissed Brian off... so he shishkebabbed them... and then made fireworks explode from their butts!!!

Brian's reaction to the movie 'Babe'... Needless to say, I guess he wanted that 89 minutes of his life back...

At the risk of unleashing the fury upon myself, I'll now attempt to give you Brian's greatest personal achievements to date. There might not be another blog post if I get this wrong!

Here goes:

1. Successfully performing a Vulcan mind-meld with a rock (photo confirmation below)
2. Completing the 100 climbs in 100 days challenge... in 1 day! (nobody is going to argue with Brian about this claim)

Brian performing the Vulcan mind-meld with a rock

And on that note, I think I'll finish the Captain's bio here, while I can get a decent head-start in case he comes after me!!

Before I sign off though, just a big thank you to the readers and commenters on the blog, who without, this whole exercise would just be myself writing to myself... which could be considered a little disturbing... so THANK YOU to the following for your comments!

Kristi - Can't forget the support crew. I'll see about blogging something about you guys later on. Go Team, Go Team, Go, Go, Go, Go Team!!

Bret- Hope you can make it mate. Keep thinking about it! You have the dates... what else are you going to do with the money??

Kelly- Don't worry Kelly, my bio will be in line with the others. I'm fully aware of all the stupid things I've done and I'm not afraid to tell people!! hahaha

Scotty- Say no to 'Crack' man... unless it's to do with climbing!

Logan- When you're sitting in the valley with your popcorn and binoculars, have a phone handy with the number of the emergency helicopter on 'QuickCall'... we're gonna need all the help we can get... hahaha

Maria- Hey I think you need to sign up as a member or follower of the blog to post comments on there.

Lisa- Have noticed some viewer traffic coming from Hong Kong. Maybe some Chinese people are really into fairies and unicorns?

One last thing. Just in case this post is ultra convincing and some of you are not that familiar with Brian... this is an end disclaimer to notify you that he ISN'T really an enraged mental case with a history of violent behaviour... in fact, I believe Brian to be possibly the nicest guy you could meet through Western Australian Climbing... (besides Scotty.) ;)

Now that's been said, I hope it's enough so Brian won't want to knock down my front door in the middle of the night and strangle me with my own entrails!

Take care until next time everybody. Next up will be Remi!

Scotty Boladeras

As promised, the next few posts will be introducing you to the entire Yosemite Assault Crew 2011.

First in the line-up, we have Scotty Boladeras!

Scotty pictured in the foreground on our 'epic aid adventure' at West Cape Howe, January 2011

Scotty leading up one of his favourite ascents, Dancing the Deep Blue, Grade 26 at West Cape Howe

Scotty is the real thing when it comes to the 'Sensitive New Age Climber'. Everybody loves Scotty. He speaks and writes eloquently, is always around when you want to climb, genuinely likes 'Chick Flicks', carries a 'manbag' and most importantly, is clean!

Leaving no dependents behind, Scotty decided he'd go over to the 'Land of the free' a few months in advance and learn what all this 'crack climbing' is about. Last we heard, he was climbing hard and snowboarding somewhere in Arizona.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with climbing terms, "www.about.com" (the most trusted internet source in the world..) defines crack climbing as 'a technique of ascending various sized cracks or fissures that split rock faces. Progress is made by jamming or wedging a climber's fingers, hands, arms, feet and legs into the crack, depending on its width.' (in other words, jam whatever part of your body fits and hope for the best)

Most of the climbing in Yosemite is crack climbing.

Scotty about to jam his hands into some American 'crack'... no pun intended, he doesn't look too excited.

Scotty busting some moves up some nicer looking rock.

Scotty tells us that the faded white smear going up the rock is due to climber's asses rubbing and varnishing the wall as they jam their way up the corner crack.

From the pictures above, two things can be concluded:

Conclusion 1: Crack climbing looks hard!!

Conclusion 2: Scotty only owns 1 T-shirt...

Now, back to the bio:

To date, Scotty's greatest personal achievements are:

1. Falling off a slack-line at the local park onto a pile of dog poo which then got stuck to his shirt (confirmed by at least 2 others)
2. Being able to grow a full beard in 10 minutes! (I think everybody can confirm this)

But all jokes aside, Scotty is a very competent (and hairy) climber and no doubt by the time the rest of the team arrives in the USA, we'll be taking advice from him on how to attack the crack. In fact, the only fear Scotty has with this whole campaign is (in his own words), 'Having to do a No. 2 in front of all of us while we are 500m up the cliff'. He even suggested before he left that it would be worthwhile if we all got together one weekend at somebody's house and had some practice poo sessions... WTF!!! 

Scotty, I think I speak for the rest of the team when I say if you need to go, just tell us and we'll all look the other way. We're going to be seeing enough crack as it is, we definitely won't be missing out by not seeing yours!!  

If you want to follow Scotty on his adventures before we meet up in Yosemite, his blog is located at:

http://scottboladeras.blogspot.com/ 

For the single ladies (or gents) who might be thinking that Scotty is a bit of 'alright', drop him a line or a post on the blog. He's always up for a good time (in a gentlemanly way) and I'm sure he'd love to hear from you in any case...

Finally, it looks like the blog is gathering momentum with 100 hits in the past 3 days (I swear 99 of them are not from me!!!, maybe 98 were... hahaha) and 3 followers: 

Gold medal went to Tom Robbins;

Silver went to Dan Freeman; and 

Bronze to Logan Barber (You'll be hearing more about Logan in a later post)

 

My goal is to get more hits than Rebecca Black's 'Friday', only need another 126,759,469 hits!!! Yeah, totally do-able!!

Until next time people, when we'll introduce you to another of the team...