A blog so you can follow what happens when a bunch of foolhardy Rang-Dangs pit their wits against a few billion tons of hard rock!!
Move over Bear Grylls, this stuff is REAL!!
The weather has been terrible lately and my elbows are still hurting, so I've been passing my non-climbing time putting together my 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle. I've made some really good progress this week and it's looking awesome!! The only thing is that it now takes up more than three quarters of the coffee table... I'm starting to get some grief about that from 'somebody'.
Pic from 22 June 2011: A puzzle as frustrating as waiting for the elbows to heal!
Two days later: This puzzle is getting 'pwned'!! (for those over 15, that's not a spelling error)
It was a toss up between taking up jigsawing or extreme planking... I decided I would go the path less travelled.
In other more relevant news, two weeks of down time is driving me crazy!!!
It does look like the Yosemite Assault Crew will be expanded with two new recruits. We're just waiting for them to book their flights before they get the 'Full Bio' treatment, but I've put together a little teaser trailer for 'sTeve', one of the team newbies:
You can see I've got a lot of spare time at the moment...
Until next time, hopefully more climbing related antics and less jigsaw related stuff!!
Lastly, for the 'writers-in'
Kristi, Bret and Scotty: Look, you're even more famous now you've been included in the credits of 'sTeve - a true story' Kelly: Top-Rope Tough guys all the way.... YEAH!! Maria: Diamonds are over-rated! If think about it, technically, the processes involved in making a lightbulb, not to mention how much more useful a lightbulb is than a diamond, should actually deem them more valuable. Maybe I'll install a few more lightbulbs around the house instead of buying a ring. She'll appreciate them more... especially when it's dark... hahaha
The bad news is that an acute case of tendinitis in both elbows means no climbing for the next week or so, but the good news is that I can finally get my bio finished, which has been coming along at about the pace at which snails copulate... (not that I have any experience with such things, but think about it... it MUST be a slow process ;)
I know this has nothing to do with climbing or Yosemite, but speaking of things slimy, a while ago I found this thing crawling in the dog's bowl. It was massive, I just had to take a photo...
I think 10cm long qualifies this to be 'MEGASLUG'!!!
Now that's out the way, before going any further, thanks must go to Brian, Remi and Scott who have provided much of the material used in this post... WANKERS!!... and although I am writing primarily about myself, I hope you don't mind that I have opted for a third person perspective... blame the schizophrenia....
So, here it is...
Kenny's profile states that he is just an ordinary guy that loves long beach walks, fairies, unicorns, pink flowers... and machine guns.
But who is the 'REAL' person behind the dichotomy of pretty things and automatic weapons?
To find out, the team dug deep into the one true source of knowledge in the world... GOOGLE!... and discovered that... there are a lot of people out there named 'Kenny Chan'!!!
These photos were found in the depths of cyberspace:
'Is that the way to Yosemite?'... lost again huh, Kenny?
Kenny about to enter the crux of the violently overhung 'Root Canal', Grade 26 at Kalbarri
It is evident that whoever or whatever created the universe must have had a sense of humour as there is no other plausible explanation for letting somebody as ridiculous as Kenny roam the planet. His primary footwear is a pair of thongs* which he calls 5.11's (he refers to them as an evolution of the popular 5.10 brand of climbing shoe). He owns a dog he named 'Pipanuda', whose favourite food is carrot. He watches 'Hannah Montana' on Saturday mornings and listens to Lady Gaga on his Ipod. He wants to be famous but doesn't know how to cook (seems to be the only way to get famous these days...), and sometimes Kenny spends his evenings sitting by the phone waiting for telemarketers to call in a hope that he can have a long, deep and meaningful conversation with one of them... they usually hang up on him... Although Kenny likes to think so, he is definitely NOT ordinary.
Many climbers wear 5.10's...
but only a select few (or one) wear 5.11's
* In Australia, flip-flops are called thongs.
As the smallest member of the Yosemite Assault Team, Kenny often depends on his advanced problem solving skills to conjure up 'special moves' that enable him to climb as efficiently as his longer-limbed team mates. He also uses these same abilities to think up 'unique' solutions to other common problems faced by climbers, as seen below:
Too cool for 'stool'... Kenny's alternative to hauling a stool (poo) container while on the big walls. Scotty, there's 64 in the pack in case you wanna share??
Kenny showing Kristi the 'Pants Down' or 'Homeboy' belay technique (with action shot inset). The technique to use when it's too warm to climb in your Adidas track-pants, but too cold to belay in shorts.
When you run out of protein at Arapiles, no problem... 'Bobtail' sandwiches taste great!!
... And when Rebecca Black's 'Friday' starts playing, the only solution lies with an AK-47 Assault Rifle!
Further to his innovative nature, Kenny can also be accredited for inventing such public nuisances as the 'Urban Assault Vehicle', the 'Thug 8' and the infamous 'Horsebite'. Those unfortunate enough to have stumbled across any of these phenomena would probably swear that Kenny was a false Moloch, placed on this Earth solely to cause chaos amongst the good people! (It's a good thing I've changed from those days... hehehe)
Recently, while the rest of the team have been busy training in exotic locations such as Kalbarri and Margaret River, Kenny has opted to spend his time cragging in remote areas of Western Australia (namely Statham's and Mountain Quarries) perfecting his 'X-treme top-roping' technique, hoping to one day rise to the rank of 'Top-Rope Tough Guy':
It is quite possible that Kenny is already the best X-treme top roper in Perth, if not the whole of Western Australia... he has even begun developing ground breaking manoeuvres on the top-rope such as the 'Half-G Crux Crusher'... Next time you see our top-roping hero in the quarries or gym, just ask for a demonstration! Now all Kenny needs is for somebody to set up a 1,000 metre line from the summit of El Capitan so he can do the very first ever top-onsight of 'The Nose'!
But why take on such a radical direction with his climbing? The following clip may hold the answer, as we see what kind of absurd things happen when Kenny tries to lead-climb....
Yes, I hit my back on the wall... Yes, it hurt... and Yes, Marcus (the belayer) is a jerk!! hahaha.
The climb's name is 'Tidal Wave', graded 7b+ (26) in Thailand. It was eventually ticked on another climbing trip, but only after being food poisoned for 4 days by the most succulent Barracuda ever eaten! (Bret, if you are reading, you must agree those were some of the best times, racing each other for the toilet every 30 minutes)
And this is probably a good place to rap this post up before more 'poo' stories start to unfold, so here are Kenny's greatest achievements to date:
Making it all the way to the end of 'Battle Los Angeles, 2011'. This is the type of movie that you wait for the DVD to hit the bargain bins at K-Mart.... and then you buy something else.
Dragging his girlfriend, Keiti, all the way up to the top of Half Dome (the 23km way) and asking her to marry him without even buying a ring!! (She still said Yes! Must have been the altitude...)
If she said 'NO!', can you imagine how awkward the 4 hour trek back to the valley would have been!!
Last of all, the 'Thanks for hearing from you" list... YAY!!
Scott, Remi and Brian: Thanks for helping me write this post... your input was hurtful, but appreciated!! Actually I thought you guys weren't too harsh, except for the reference to that mofo, Alan!!! hahaha!
Mario: Hey Mario, last week we put even more chalk on 'Smidgen Winkler' for you... all on the wrong holds of course!
Kelly: Got another headcam which mounts on the side and we're just waiting for another mount to arrive for the GoPro before we go all out Hollywood on future climbs... so hopefully no more headbutting the walls.
Logan: Thanks for 'Too Cool For Stool'... it might stick... (not talking about the stool!)
Until next time, Love you all!!
PS: Not sure how this 'followers' thing works for blogspot because some people have been complaining that they haven't been receiving updates whenever a new post has been published... if that's the case, check facebook or NetworkedBlogs. I have a subscription with NetworkedBlogs which automatically updates my news feed on facebook as soon as something is posted.
