A blog so you can follow what happens when a bunch of foolhardy Rang-Dangs pit their wits against a few billion tons of hard rock!!
Move over Bear Grylls, this stuff is REAL!!
Amid a flurry of tears and sad words, Keiti dropped Brian and I off at Perth airport (before returning home to do the dishes or wash clothes or whatever it is girls do... hahaha sorry girls)
Brian and I caught the red-eye special from Perth to Sydney... a flight I told Brian I would not fall asleep on so as to better adjust to LA time... famous last words as I woke up to the captain announcing that we were about to land in Sydney... I vaguely remember eating something beefy for dinner and the inflight movie 'Source Code' was still patiently waiting for me to push the play button on the screen. I'd better watch Brian for the rest of this trip as I think he must have slipped some 'roofies' in my apple juice!!
No Brian, I'm pretty sure we can't catch the bus to L.A.?? Or can we?
And so training for the Yosemite Assault 2011 has finally concluded and the assault... on the Sydney Qantas Club is now in full swing. Brian is currently sprawled out, snoring on a couch clearly meant for at least 6 people and I'm now freshly showered, shaved, shat and looking around for whatever free stuff is available!!
What a way to start the assault... With FREE breakfast at the Sydney Qantas Club
I'd like to say I had a great excuse for not blogging for the last 3 months such as coming down with a bad case of leprosy... but in the end, I think most of it can be blamed on a bad case of laziness!!
But, to be fair, I had a bad run of injuries throughout June and July and got really depressed by it all... on the bright side, I did get to finish my jigsaw puzzle!
Pwned!!!...Finally!
We did get quite a bit of training done through August though... night climbing, haulbag or 'pig' training, crack climbing, we even did a small presentation for the Climbing Association of WA (CAWA) on the 'difficulties' of transitioning from free climbing to big wall, all of which I'll have to fill you in bit by bit as the trip progresses... and yes, there are still a couple of climber profiles to be done... so much to do now thanks to my ineptness at being faithful to the blog!!!
Climbing with the STARS... almost as scary as Dancing with the STARS.
Haulbag training. We didn't have a 'pig' available so we had to use the next best option... a real pig!!! hahaha
Alright, need to sign off. Brian is up and about now and is bugging me to help him with some things we need to do once we get to LA... Remi and Scotty just emailed us the 'Mother of all shopping lists' from Yosemite... thanks guys... you suck... and you're leading all the hard pitches... and you suck!!
But before going, very belated thank you's to those who wrote comments last time!
Scotty: You can be guaranteed there will be 'DATES' in your trail mix!!! Kelly: Don't forget to dig out that tree... Stay on the edge, more edgy stuff coming your way!!! Heather: Yeah, it's getting exciting, and scary, and exciting again! Stay tuned... Got to put all this expensive hardware to good use now!! Maria: Thanks for the good wished Maria... we're gonna need it!!! Christine: That's just the start...There'll be more 'Best of' awards coming up before the end of the trip.
It's great to feel the urge to write again!! Love you all!!!
The weather has been terrible lately and my elbows are still hurting, so I've been passing my non-climbing time putting together my 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle. I've made some really good progress this week and it's looking awesome!! The only thing is that it now takes up more than three quarters of the coffee table... I'm starting to get some grief about that from 'somebody'.
Pic from 22 June 2011: A puzzle as frustrating as waiting for the elbows to heal!
Two days later: This puzzle is getting 'pwned'!! (for those over 15, that's not a spelling error)
It was a toss up between taking up jigsawing or extreme planking... I decided I would go the path less travelled.
In other more relevant news, two weeks of down time is driving me crazy!!!
It does look like the Yosemite Assault Crew will be expanded with two new recruits. We're just waiting for them to book their flights before they get the 'Full Bio' treatment, but I've put together a little teaser trailer for 'sTeve', one of the team newbies:
You can see I've got a lot of spare time at the moment...
Until next time, hopefully more climbing related antics and less jigsaw related stuff!!
Lastly, for the 'writers-in'
Kristi, Bret and Scotty: Look, you're even more famous now you've been included in the credits of 'sTeve - a true story' Kelly: Top-Rope Tough guys all the way.... YEAH!! Maria: Diamonds are over-rated! If think about it, technically, the processes involved in making a lightbulb, not to mention how much more useful a lightbulb is than a diamond, should actually deem them more valuable. Maybe I'll install a few more lightbulbs around the house instead of buying a ring. She'll appreciate them more... especially when it's dark... hahaha
The bad news is that an acute case of tendinitis in both elbows means no climbing for the next week or so, but the good news is that I can finally get my bio finished, which has been coming along at about the pace at which snails copulate... (not that I have any experience with such things, but think about it... it MUST be a slow process ;)
I know this has nothing to do with climbing or Yosemite, but speaking of things slimy, a while ago I found this thing crawling in the dog's bowl. It was massive, I just had to take a photo...
I think 10cm long qualifies this to be 'MEGASLUG'!!!
Now that's out the way, before going any further, thanks must go to Brian, Remi and Scott who have provided much of the material used in this post... WANKERS!!... and although I am writing primarily about myself, I hope you don't mind that I have opted for a third person perspective... blame the schizophrenia....
So, here it is...
Kenny's profile states that he is just an ordinary guy that loves long beach walks, fairies, unicorns, pink flowers... and machine guns.
But who is the 'REAL' person behind the dichotomy of pretty things and automatic weapons?
To find out, the team dug deep into the one true source of knowledge in the world... GOOGLE!... and discovered that... there are a lot of people out there named 'Kenny Chan'!!!
These photos were found in the depths of cyberspace:
'Is that the way to Yosemite?'... lost again huh, Kenny?
Kenny about to enter the crux of the violently overhung 'Root Canal', Grade 26 at Kalbarri
It is evident that whoever or whatever created the universe must have had a sense of humour as there is no other plausible explanation for letting somebody as ridiculous as Kenny roam the planet. His primary footwear is a pair of thongs* which he calls 5.11's (he refers to them as an evolution of the popular 5.10 brand of climbing shoe). He owns a dog he named 'Pipanuda', whose favourite food is carrot. He watches 'Hannah Montana' on Saturday mornings and listens to Lady Gaga on his Ipod. He wants to be famous but doesn't know how to cook (seems to be the only way to get famous these days...), and sometimes Kenny spends his evenings sitting by the phone waiting for telemarketers to call in a hope that he can have a long, deep and meaningful conversation with one of them... they usually hang up on him... Although Kenny likes to think so, he is definitely NOT ordinary.
Many climbers wear 5.10's...
but only a select few (or one) wear 5.11's
* In Australia, flip-flops are called thongs.
As the smallest member of the Yosemite Assault Team, Kenny often depends on his advanced problem solving skills to conjure up 'special moves' that enable him to climb as efficiently as his longer-limbed team mates. He also uses these same abilities to think up 'unique' solutions to other common problems faced by climbers, as seen below:
Too cool for 'stool'... Kenny's alternative to hauling a stool (poo) container while on the big walls. Scotty, there's 64 in the pack in case you wanna share??
Kenny showing Kristi the 'Pants Down' or 'Homeboy' belay technique (with action shot inset). The technique to use when it's too warm to climb in your Adidas track-pants, but too cold to belay in shorts.
When you run out of protein at Arapiles, no problem... 'Bobtail' sandwiches taste great!!
... And when Rebecca Black's 'Friday' starts playing, the only solution lies with an AK-47 Assault Rifle!
Further to his innovative nature, Kenny can also be accredited for inventing such public nuisances as the 'Urban Assault Vehicle', the 'Thug 8' and the infamous 'Horsebite'. Those unfortunate enough to have stumbled across any of these phenomena would probably swear that Kenny was a false Moloch, placed on this Earth solely to cause chaos amongst the good people! (It's a good thing I've changed from those days... hehehe)
Recently, while the rest of the team have been busy training in exotic locations such as Kalbarri and Margaret River, Kenny has opted to spend his time cragging in remote areas of Western Australia (namely Statham's and Mountain Quarries) perfecting his 'X-treme top-roping' technique, hoping to one day rise to the rank of 'Top-Rope Tough Guy':
It is quite possible that Kenny is already the best X-treme top roper in Perth, if not the whole of Western Australia... he has even begun developing ground breaking manoeuvres on the top-rope such as the 'Half-G Crux Crusher'... Next time you see our top-roping hero in the quarries or gym, just ask for a demonstration! Now all Kenny needs is for somebody to set up a 1,000 metre line from the summit of El Capitan so he can do the very first ever top-onsight of 'The Nose'!
But why take on such a radical direction with his climbing? The following clip may hold the answer, as we see what kind of absurd things happen when Kenny tries to lead-climb....
Yes, I hit my back on the wall... Yes, it hurt... and Yes, Marcus (the belayer) is a jerk!! hahaha.
The climb's name is 'Tidal Wave', graded 7b+ (26) in Thailand. It was eventually ticked on another climbing trip, but only after being food poisoned for 4 days by the most succulent Barracuda ever eaten! (Bret, if you are reading, you must agree those were some of the best times, racing each other for the toilet every 30 minutes)
And this is probably a good place to rap this post up before more 'poo' stories start to unfold, so here are Kenny's greatest achievements to date:
Making it all the way to the end of 'Battle Los Angeles, 2011'. This is the type of movie that you wait for the DVD to hit the bargain bins at K-Mart.... and then you buy something else.
Dragging his girlfriend, Keiti, all the way up to the top of Half Dome (the 23km way) and asking her to marry him without even buying a ring!! (She still said Yes! Must have been the altitude...)
If she said 'NO!', can you imagine how awkward the 4 hour trek back to the valley would have been!!
Last of all, the 'Thanks for hearing from you" list... YAY!!
Scott, Remi and Brian: Thanks for helping me write this post... your input was hurtful, but appreciated!! Actually I thought you guys weren't too harsh, except for the reference to that mofo, Alan!!! hahaha!
Mario: Hey Mario, last week we put even more chalk on 'Smidgen Winkler' for you... all on the wrong holds of course!
Kelly: Got another headcam which mounts on the side and we're just waiting for another mount to arrive for the GoPro before we go all out Hollywood on future climbs... so hopefully no more headbutting the walls.
Logan: Thanks for 'Too Cool For Stool'... it might stick... (not talking about the stool!)
Until next time, Love you all!!
PS: Not sure how this 'followers' thing works for blogspot because some people have been complaining that they haven't been receiving updates whenever a new post has been published... if that's the case, check facebook or NetworkedBlogs. I have a subscription with NetworkedBlogs which automatically updates my news feed on facebook as soon as something is posted.
(Grade 21, Statham's Quarry, Perth, Western Australia)
This must be the most ridiculous name ever conceived for a climb... but in our pursuit of excellence and Yosemite glory, of course we had to give it a go!
For a bit of background, this is a quote from a popular mini-guide describing the 'Smidgen Winkler':
Left Lateral Port-Side Smidgen Winkler 15m 21
"Climb past bolts to thin flake crack. Follow the bolted line to the loweroff. No trad gear required. The start can be frustrating. Try starting well R of the bolt and then traversing back left fairly soon."
The start can be frustrating!... That is possibly the understatement of the millenium!! The first move of this climb is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and makes for a very difficult 'on-sight'* for a grade 21!!
*Climbing noobs, see below for definitions
Just take a look at us trying to get off the ground...
To be fair, even though Remi was the 'star failure' of this short feature, it was only because he was unfortunate enough to be caught on camera for most of his attempts. In reality, every single one of us spent at least 10 minutes working out how to make that first leap of faith!
In fact, we're really interested if there is anybody out there who has on-sighted this climb? If you have, please let us know so we can worship you in all your 'Smidgen Winkling' hardcoreness!
For those wondering, "Who is Steve?"... he's a 'Yosemite Assault Team' hopeful trying to organise the other parts of his life so that he can join the crusade. If he manages to pull it off, his bio will be coming up in a future post!!
But back to the climb now... obviously no on-sights for us, but I'm glad to report that all who failed managed to get the 'tick' before the day was out, so there were happy endings all around! (in a non-sexual way)
In case there is anybody out there looking for beta so they can go 'Smidgen Winkling' themselves, below is some 'GoPro headcam' footage from bottom to top. It still isn't perfect, but it's heaps better than the footage on 'Chain Reaction'... at least this time you can see quickdraws and bolt plates being put on, as well as clipping... not just flailing arms and 'exorcist-speed' head turns. The video does make me seem a tad schitzophrenic though, as the microphone only picked up my voice and not who I'm conversing with, so the whole time it looks and sounds as if I'm talking to myself... but I swear there were other people around?!?!... or maybe it was those voices in my head again... hmmm.
Please be advised, if you are under 18, the following video does contain harsh language... no really nasty words like 'mother-@#!$er' or 'cheese-d!@k', but not good for young minds to hear nonetheless.
We are looking at different methods of mounting the camera so we can get a 'God View' of the climbers as they do their funky moves on the vertical... hopefully we'll have a working prototype soon for your viewing pleasure!!
And finally, the 'thank-you's' to the emailers and commenters from previous posts:
Tom: Thanks for bringing the 'homo-erotica' back into climbing... although Scotty's hairy arms would keep one very warm at night when sleeping on a cold, rocky ledge! There will be a gear expose a bit closer to the 'Assault Day'!
Logan: Remi, Brian and Scotty have actually written my bio!! I haven't opened the document yet, but when I gather up enough courage, I'll post it up... hahaha
Kelly: We're always thinking up new, innovative ways to keep the pics and videos exciting. We've got some good ideas that aren't too far from being unleashed, so keep your eyes peeled!!
Scotty: He lives!!! Not long mate till we're hitting those ultra polished, non protectable, granite cracks!!
And that just about wraps it up for now... keep reading for more semi-exciting adventures before we leave in September...
*Definitions for the climbing noobs, YAY!!!:
(taken straight from Wikipedia, my best source for half-truths and quasi-facts... therefore, most of this blog... hahaha)
Onsite (climbing): A clean ascent, with no prior practice or beta (ok, ok, more definitions coming up)
Beta: Advice on how to successfully complete (or protect) a particular climbing route, boulder problem, or crux sequence. Some climbers believe that beta 'taints' an ascent (still confused... Read on)
Bouldering: The practice of climbing on large boulders (DUH!). Typically close to the ground, so protection takes the form of crash pads and spotting instead of belay ropes.
This next post was supposed to be my biography, but compared to the other characters... Scotty the S.N.A.C., Brian a.k.a. Captain Furious and Remi the Relentless, I'm probably the most 'ordinary' of the team, and writing about 'ordinary' is pretty slow going!
So in the meantime, just a quick update on what we've been doing.
Even though this blog makes us out to be total plonkers, the team is actually training quite hard and all of us are 'not bad' climbers at the least. Apart from the 'Epic Aid Adventure', we have been heading out regularly to the crags around Perth and Margaret River.
There was a bit of excitement in the quarry last night, as training took on a whole new perspective due to our new WizzBang headcam!
With boyish vigour that could only be rivalled by an Apple 'fanboy' on release day of the latest Iphone, we gave the headcam a test run on 'Chain Reaction', graded (a very soft) 23 at Statham's Quarry. I must thank Phil for the use of this fantastic device. I feel I'm one step closer now to becoming Bear Grylls, except I don't torture little animals (and my camera crew don't help me when I'm in trouble!!). I won't mention Phil's last name on the blog as he may still be wanted for questioning by authorities in country Victoria over something called the 'Urban Assault Vehicle'...
Anyway, I've linked some raw footage of climbing 'Chain Reaction' with the headcam. I didn't have time to edit it and make it look all 'Hollywood', but the way it is, I think it gives you a 'First Person Shooter' feel for what it's like to climb, (without the 5.1 DOLBY sound)... the whole audio is pretty muffled because the camera is in a protective case, I'll see what I can do about this in future takes. The video runs for about 5 minutes and it is pretty rough, so if you suffer from motion sickness, maybe you should have a bucket nearby... keyboards and 'throw up' don't go very well together.
Next time I'll try not to move my head so much and angle the camera down a little more so you can get an appreciation of vertical height... and maybe I'll dub in some cool techno beats!! Yeah Yeah!!
Remi is our 'Soul Climber'... For Remi, climbing is a spiritual experience, not just a sport. He commits exactly 98.6%* of his life to climbing. Everything else makes up the remaining 1.4%. (Sorry Delphine, that also includes you... only joking!!!... I bet that's the last time I get invited over for dinner!)
* This figure has been proven through sound mathematical analysis. The same analysis that American Banks used to stamp AAA ratings on their 'Sub-Prime' Securities.
Remi at last year's birthday party... the velvet suit just oozes style and the bear rug thrown over his chest reflects Remi's one-ness with things of nature!... and yeah, he looks young for his age.
Remi... he grew up fast, but is still interested in 'Toy Shopping', Grade 26 at Bob's Hollow
So what makes Remi our 'Soul Climber' and how spiritual is he about rocks and climbing?
Well, let's put it this way. Remi is so spiritual that he buys quickdraws called 'Phantoms', and carabiners called 'Spirits'.
He is so spiritual that he attends Christian Rock Festivals because they have the word 'Rock' in them.
He is so spiritual that he hates Bruce Willis for blowing up that giant space rock in the movie Armageddon... (Remi also cried at this point... and then for the next few weeks camped out the front of the local cinema where the movie was showing and held up a large sign that read 'Blasphemy!!')
For the non-climber readers, a couple of definitions:
A 'quickdraw' is a piece of climbing equipment consisting of two non-locking carabiners, attached by a nylon or 'spectra' sling. Remi prefers 'spectra' because it sounds more ethereal.
Bruce Willis is an American actor, known for making enemies with European terrorists and large asteroids.
A typical looking quickdraw
Bruce Willis: Enemy to most bad people, including celestial bodies and 'Gimps'
In living with the wholesome ideals of a 'Soul Climber' and embodying the unyielding ethos of the spiritual warrior (try saying that after a few beers), whether it be daytime, nighttime, freezing cold, scorching hot, foggy, misty, snowing, pissing or pooing down, indoors or outdoors... REMI WILL CLIMB!
The following pics lay truth to this:
Even after the sun goes down and there's no light whatsoever... Remi Will Climb!
Even when the Rock Gods have decided to take a giant piss on him... Remi Will Climb!
Even when he has to push the rocks apart with his bare hands... Remi Will Climb!
Even when he has to eat from a straw and has a colostomy bag attached to his ass... Remi Will Climb!
Even when there is nobody else left on the cliff and the Universe is screaming 'Get the F%$# out of here!!!' by crashing waves 20 metres up the wall to tickle the soles of his little climbing shoes... Remi Will Climb!
Even when all the colour has left the photo... Remi Will Climb!
Even when Brian is dressed up like a pirate and passed out on somebody's floor... Remi Will Climb!
So why does Remi have this inherent and almost supernatural 'wanting' to climb?
Maybe it's the many hours Remi spends praying to the almighty 'Rock God' for another glorious day of climbing?
Maybe he sees dead people?
Who knows?!?!... But whatever Remi's motivations are and wherever his faith comes from, nothing seems to separate him from his calling. Even after two serious operations in 2010 and with his left arm barely able to lift a spoon to his mouth, when asked if he wanted to come to Yosemite, Remi's response was 'Anytime Baby!'
Another example of this unwavering conviction to climb include immediately after our 'Epic Aid Adventure' at West Cape Howe in February 2011. When the rest of us were ready to retire and be content with climbing nothing harder than playground equipment for the remainder of our lives, Remi asked when we were planning to do it again!
We haven't been back yet!!
Well, that's all I can give you to provide a small insight into the team's 'Soul Climber'. I guess all that's left is to cap off Remi's greatest achievements to date:
Owning a 4WD that has more creature comforts than most people's homes! (including a fridge) So you know who to bum a ride with on your next weekend outing!
Being third climber on the 'Epic Aid Adventure'... all I remember is while cold and perched 50 metres above the ground, in possibly the most uncomfortable hanging belay known to humankind, I looked down 15 metres to see Remi lying on a nice big ledge all rugged up eating his lunch... 45 minutes later, with my legs going numb and ass feeling like it had been fed through a meat grinder, I looked down again and Remi was having a nap... I guess the Universe was taking care of him that day!
Finally, to finish off, I forgot to add this in the last post.
If you're interested in following Brian's climbing escapades, just want to stalk him or tell him to take a chill pill for being so angry, his blog is at: http://cliffhangerb.wordpress.com/.
Now the thank you's!!!
Thank you to all the readers so far... we've had 400 hits to date, with people logging in all the way from places such as Slovenia and Brazil... I don't think I even know anybody from Slovenia, but there's been 5 hits from there, so good stuff and hope you keep reading, whoever you are!
Also thanks to the commenters:
Scotty: Good to see you're still kicking it hard over there. Watch out for Carnies! They start coming out at this time of the year!! Kelly: You wait till you meet Brian... you'd better have body armour on... he's still angry!! hahaha Kristi: Ever faithful supporter... we've organised to have a headcam with us for the trip. Should make interesting video, especially when doing those pendulums!!! Keep on Bret. There's still time! Brian: I'm so glad I haven't had my door kicked in yet!! Thanks for the beta on the weekend at Willy's. Was good getting back on the trad lead... I've missed it!
Brian is the Captain of the team... the 'Captain Furious' that is!!!
Look at the Captain in action:
Brian furiously walking up a boulder problem in Hueco, Texas
Brian furiously making his way up 'Sweet Pea', Grade 27 at Mountain Quarry
As his names suggest, everything about Brian is angry... He eats angry, walks angry, climbs angry, sleeps angry, he even plays 'Angry Birds'!
Brian is the type of guy that you never look directly in the eyes... the type of guy that when in an argument, you just hold up your hands and say 'No Mess'... the type of guy that makes Rambo run in the opposite direction like Chicken Little!
Some say Brian became so furious because he was born from an egg shaped rock that was ejected from a volcano.... (you'd be pretty pissed too if you were born in such a way!)
Some say Brian inherited his fury by being a direct descendent of the late Genghis Tan...
Some say Brian was infuriated after years spent learning his art from Jacky Tan...
Whatever the truth may be, all who have come across Brian (and lived) know that he is one raging climber. When Brian climbs, he doesn't climb the rock, the rock cowers under his fingers...
Here is some of Brian's handiwork when he was not in a good mood...
One day Brian's bikes were giving him trouble... this was the result.
Yeah, that's right Mr. Pointy Pointy Plant, be all smug with your sharp thorns... what you don't realise is that once Brian turns around, you're CACTUS!
Brian, showing Scotty how to harness the 'Fury'... The two guys in front were never seen or heard from again!
"Take some sneaky photo of me, huh? I'm not warming up my knuckles for no reason"... (This photo was retrieved from a camera found somewhere in the Pinjarra region. The owner was found in the next town with a size 9 shoe imprint on his ass)
These guys pissed Brian off... so he shishkebabbed them... and then made fireworks explode from their butts!!!
Brian's reaction to the movie 'Babe'... Needless to say, I guess he wanted that 89 minutes of his life back...
At the risk of unleashing the fury upon myself, I'll now attempt to give you Brian's greatest personal achievements to date. There might not be another blog post if I get this wrong!
Here goes:
Successfully performing a Vulcan mind-meld with a rock (photo confirmation below)
Completing the 100 climbs in 100 days challenge... in 1 day! (nobody is going to argue with Brian about this claim)
Brian performing the Vulcan mind-meld with a rock
And on that note, I think I'll finish the Captain's bio here, while I can get a decent head-start in case he comes after me!!
Before I sign off though, just a big thank you to the readers and commenters on the blog, who without, this whole exercise would just be myself writing to myself... which could be considered a little disturbing... so THANK YOU to the following for your comments!
Kristi - Can't forget the support crew. I'll see about blogging something about you guys later on. Go Team, Go Team, Go, Go, Go, Go Team!!
Bret- Hope you can make it mate. Keep thinking about it! You have the dates... what else are you going to do with the money??
Kelly- Don't worry Kelly, my bio will be in line with the others. I'm fully aware of all the stupid things I've done and I'm not afraid to tell people!! hahaha
Scotty- Say no to 'Crack' man... unless it's to do with climbing!
Logan- When you're sitting in the valley with your popcorn and binoculars, have a phone handy with the number of the emergency helicopter on 'QuickCall'... we're gonna need all the help we can get... hahaha
Maria- Hey I think you need to sign up as a member or follower of the blog to post comments on there.
Lisa- Have noticed some viewer traffic coming from Hong Kong. Maybe some Chinese people are really into fairies and unicorns?
One last thing. Just in case this post is ultra convincing and some of you are not that familiar with Brian... this is an end disclaimer to notify you that he ISN'T really an enraged mental case with a history of violent behaviour... in fact, I believe Brian to be possibly the nicest guy you could meet through Western Australian Climbing... (besides Scotty.) ;)
Now that's been said, I hope it's enough so Brian won't want to knock down my front door in the middle of the night and strangle me with my own entrails!
Take care until next time everybody. Next up will be Remi!
