Left Lateral Port-Side Smidgen Winkler??

(Grade 21, Statham's Quarry, Perth, Western Australia)

This must be the most ridiculous name ever conceived for a climb... but in our pursuit of excellence and Yosemite glory, of course we had to give it a go!

For a bit of background, this is a quote from a popular mini-guide describing the 'Smidgen Winkler':

Left Lateral Port-Side Smidgen Winkler 15m 21

"Climb past bolts to thin flake crack. Follow the bolted line to the loweroff. No trad gear required. The start can be frustrating. Try starting well R of the bolt and then traversing back left fairly soon."

The start can be frustrating!... That is possibly the understatement of the millenium!! The first move of this climb is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and makes for a very difficult 'on-sight'* for a grade 21!!

*Climbing noobs, see below for definitions

Just take a look at us trying to get off the ground...

To be fair, even though Remi was the 'star failure' of this short feature, it was only because he was unfortunate enough to be caught on camera for most of his attempts. In reality, every single one of us spent at least 10 minutes working out how to make that first leap of faith!

In fact, we're really interested if there is anybody out there who has on-sighted this climb? If you have, please let us know so we can worship you in all your 'Smidgen Winkling' hardcoreness!

For those wondering, "Who is Steve?"... he's a 'Yosemite Assault Team' hopeful trying to organise the other parts of his life so that he can join the crusade. If he manages to pull it off, his bio will be coming up in a future post!!

But back to the climb now... obviously no on-sights for us, but I'm glad to report that all who failed managed to get the 'tick' before the day was out, so there were happy endings all around! (in a non-sexual way)

In case there is anybody out there looking for beta so they can go 'Smidgen Winkling' themselves, below is some 'GoPro headcam' footage from bottom to top. It still isn't perfect, but it's heaps better than the footage on 'Chain Reaction'... at least this time you can see quickdraws and bolt plates being put on, as well as clipping... not just flailing arms and 'exorcist-speed' head turns. The video does make me seem a tad schitzophrenic though, as the microphone only picked up my voice and not who I'm conversing with, so the whole time it looks and sounds as if I'm talking to myself... but I swear there were other people around?!?!... or maybe it was those voices in my head again... hmmm.

Please be advised, if you are under 18, the following video does contain harsh language... no really nasty words like 'mother-@#!$er' or 'cheese-d!@k', but not good for young minds to hear nonetheless.

We are looking at different methods of mounting the camera so we can get a 'God View' of the climbers as they do their funky moves on the vertical... hopefully we'll have a working prototype soon for your viewing pleasure!!

And finally, the 'thank-you's' to the emailers and commenters from previous posts:

Tom: Thanks for bringing the 'homo-erotica' back into climbing... although Scotty's hairy arms would keep one very warm at night when sleeping on a cold, rocky ledge! There will be a gear expose a bit closer to the 'Assault Day'!

Logan: Remi, Brian and Scotty have actually written my bio!! I haven't opened the document yet, but when I gather up enough courage, I'll post it up... hahaha

Kelly: We're always thinking up new, innovative ways to keep the pics and videos exciting. We've got some good ideas that aren't too far from being unleashed, so keep your eyes peeled!!

Scotty: He lives!!! Not long mate till we're hitting those ultra polished, non protectable, granite cracks!!

And that just about wraps it up for now... keep reading for more semi-exciting adventures before we leave in September...

*Definitions for the climbing noobs, YAY!!!:

(taken straight from Wikipedia, my best source for half-truths and quasi-facts... therefore, most of this blog... hahaha)

• Onsite (climbing): A clean ascent, with no prior practice or beta (ok, ok, more definitions coming up) 
• Beta: Advice on how to successfully complete (or protect) a particular climbing route, boulder problem, or crux sequence. Some climbers believe that beta 'taints' an ascent (still confused... Read on) 
• Bouldering: The practice of climbing on large boulders (DUH!). Typically close to the ground, so protection takes the form of crash pads and spotting instead of belay ropes. 
• Crux: The most difficult portion of a climb